Saturday, August 19, 2017

Game of Thrones: How would Game of Thrones Kings and Queens do as US Presidential candidates?

First of all, let me make one thing clear: a king is not a president. So the ones that would make a good king would not necessarily be a good president.
Renly: As a king, he would set a dangerous and destructive precedent: a precedent that the candidate wiht the biggest army always wins.
As a president, however, his political skills — knowing how to please the lords that matter, through charm, persuasion or bribery, compromising to achieve his goals — and his rock star-like good looks (in the books); his commoner-pleasing skills in his career as an otherwise mediocre sportsman, as well as his relationship to sports superstar Loras Tyrell would make him the perfect candidate for the shadowy uber-rich Tyrells bankrolling his campaign.
A politics-as-usual candidate: the Establishment.
His vice president: Mace Tyrell.
Could be Republican or Democrat but probably goes Democrat due to homosexuality: it doesn’t really matter anyway, all that matters is power and the clothes that come with it.Campaign Slogan: Working Together to Grow Strong!
Robb Stark: A true conservative — in the pre-Trump sense — military man: no nonsense and tough, fair-minded and just. A James Mattis type.
He is not necessarily always going to say what the people want to hear: but they don’t want him to say what they want to hear: they want the truth.
His weakness is he has his ‘my way or the highway’ approach that all the Starks — Ned Stark, Jon Snow have: these are not natural politicians.
Vice-President: The Blackfish.
Campaign Slogan: Security. Family. Duty. Honor. For our Nation.
Daenerys: Has incredible vision and otherworldly charisma; and knows how to say the right thing to the People. Tri-lingual. But does she promise too much?
She has an egalitarian, inclusive ideology, complete with open borders for foreigners and freedom for even the most lowly.
Has difficulty realizing her visions of a better world; the political realities drag her down. Behind the scenes she is a bit clueless, : but it’s the public face that matters. Clinches the minority vote.
Vice-President: Tyrion Lannister, aka, the twisted little demon monkey.
She is sort of like a liberal Reagan. Mixed with a dash of Bernie Sanders. Campaign Slogan: Break the Wheel Today for a Better America Tomorrow.
Stannis: Republican. As. Fuck.
Wants to ban whorehouses and chop off the hands of drug dealers. Castrates rapists — personally.
Stern and Just, his lack of humor, frowny presence, sarcastic belittling quips at Daenerys during the debates, and harsh, grating voice means he doesn’t make it through the primaries despite his incredible military record.
Vice-president: Davos. ("He cut off my fingers: and I respect him for that.")
He fails but becomes Attorney General, though, for Robb. Failed Campaign Slogan: Clean up this mess!
Euron Greyjoy: The Alt-Right candidate. Comes out of nowhere. Doesn’t have any organization at all. Thinks organization and plans are for wusses. He does have big mouth though.
Mocks the disabled loudly, creating an outrage across America. Belittles women constantly, which puts everybody in a huff. Doesn’t make any sense and celebrities mock his ridiculous sideburns. Basically just says “fuck” a lot on live television. Encourages violence.
Proudly waves a Nazi flag and then says “I would never wave a Nazi flag.”
Then says “Yeah, I waved a Nazi flag. Swastikas mean lots of things in different cultures.”
Then says: "Yeah, I’m a nazi.”
Then says “I am no nazi. I never said that, I never said that.”
IN league with the White Walkers who tweak things so that he wins.
Then all his supporters defend him saying things like: Yes, He is vile but everybody else is worse.
He spends his time skewering babies and basically trying to blow up the world While his supporters blandly pretend not to notice and say “Thank God Daenerys didn’t make it: she totally screwed up Meereen.”
Vice president: The Night King.
Campaign Slogan: I’m going to totally destroy this country!!!! You stupid idiots!! Sad!
Jon Snow: the Green Candidate.
Surprisingly popular due exclusively to good looks. The Powers around him seek to make him the "Justin Trudeau face of America.”
His campaign is badly run by a shabby organization of back-biting northerners who are too busy considering defecting to other campaigns to really work for him. His campaign is marked by gaffes of him saying whatever comes into his head. Still, he is so cute, he makes it through the primaries to become a surprisingly viable third party candidate. Late Night comedians have a field day skewering his po’-faced pronouncements and claims of resurrection from a magical sponge bath administered by a red topless babe. (It revitalized me! Really!)
Accused of nepotism when he appoints his also-hot sister as his Vice-President.
Still, all the white women vote for him.
Campaign Slogan: The Dead are Coming. I have seen the Night King.



The Winner, as we know already, is Euron Greyjoy. Of course.

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