One time I was working with this girl, Amber. We hated each other and fought like cats and dogs.
She was in one part of the store we worked in, seated, doing some necessary busy work, sort of humming to herself and smiling.
I happened to have been suffering from some really nasty gas all day long due to the fact that my main dietary staple at that time was 711 nachos with chili and cheese and coca-cola.
I went over to her part of the store,and nonchalantly sauntered past her.
And farted.
Then I calmly walked back to my place in the store, and resumed my busy work.
A few seconds later she got up and moved.
Sometimes I pretend not to notice a mess because I know that my girlfriend will clean it up. The other times I really don’t notice it. But when I notice and I don’t feel lazy, I clean it.
In the Kingdom of the Blind, the One-Eyed Man is King.
—some smart guy.
That’s me. Not the smart guy. The other guy. I am the One Eyed Man. And I totally coast on that.
Sometimes I pretend to not understand people just to see them get worked up.
I intentionally leave typos in my Quora posts if I think they are not good enough to bother re-writing, which is roughly two thirds of the time. (It it is a good post I will correct it.)
AS a teenager I once masturbated 8 times in a single day; once was while driving down the highway. Without a seatbelt.
I shoplifted 70 cassettes from Wal Mart in the late 80s. This was no mean feat. They came in these long plastic boxes designed to discourage theft.
I carefully peruse the music section, choosing two, then I would take them, duck down in the menswear section, kneel on the ground so that the cameras couldn’t see me, and stuff them down my pants: the cassette side would jut up under my shirt, at my sides. The rest, submerged, under my pants. It was uncomfortable, but that was a small price to pay.
I never stole more than two at a time.
Once outside the store, I would jump down into into this ditch beside the road and tear the anti-theft packaging off and discard it in the ditch.
When I finally got caught it was so stupid that I am ashamed to confess it: a customer saw me.
I saw him see me, but as he had long hair and a beard I thought to myself (like a dumbass): He’s a hippy. So he will understand that I am fighting the Power and sticking it to the Man.
I saw him see me, but as he had long hair and a beard I thought to myself (like a dumbass): He’s a hippy. So he will understand that I am fighting the Power and sticking it to the Man.
He told and they caught me.
I was let go (white privelege is a real thing, folks) and my parents grounded me from the stereo for a month. Which wasn’t even a real stereo. It was just, like, a tinny little casette player.
That was, like, torture for me. I stopped shoplifting.
Until college. When I used to shoplift cigarettes all the time.
I always sneak out of parties when I know no one is watching me, go home and read a book.
I had sex with a girlfriend on a sidewalk in Denver at 2.00 a.m. I think we did it mainly just so we could tell people that we had had sex on a sidewalk once. And so here I am, telling you. She may be somewhere else, telling someone else. I don’t know. We don’t speak to each other.
I once wrote a review for the school newspaper savagely ripping apart U2's Rattle and Hum. I actually liked the album. It was just easier to write a negative review. And I had a deadline.
I had people cursing me in the halls. Someone threatened to beat me up. People really took that review seriously.
When I was 15, I once saw a boy (who was also 15) bullying another boy. The first boy pushed the second boy down into a puddle while the second was riding past on his bike; and then the first boy laughed at him.
I was so angry at the injustice and casual cruelty I had seen that I grabbed the first boy by the shirt and threw him up against the fence. I was amazed at how light he was; my vision literally altered and I became utterly aware that I could have torn him apart. It was really and truly the only time I have hit another person that wasn’t a sibling (not counting people who wanted me to hit them and asked me to do so.)
The last one is true but I just told you that last one becasue it makes me look cool, like a guy who always fights for good. But in fact, it was in the heat of the moment and I really am not that cool.
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