It was a triumph of direction and cinematography and action over all else. Exciting. As good as Hardhome last season, again perhaps made all the better for the stark contrast between the book story and the show. (If anybody thinks that book Sansa is going to coolly watch Ramsay get eaten by dogs in the books, they are high.)
And yet, it worked for me.
And while the broad events of the Bastardbowl itself (Littlefinger’s rescue and Rickon’s death, Ramsay’s manner of death) were telegraphed well in advance by the never-subtle show(which does, after all, have to please idiots as well as us cream-of-the-croppers here), it was so well done and visually exciting that I didn’t really mind.
Really, the bit above about idiots and cream-of-the croppers is pretty much what this episode boils down to. There’s a lot of scenes in which an idiot converses with a smarter character—it is, oddly, the central theme of the episode.
- Daenerys(idiot) vs. Tyrion(smarter.):
Episode starts with a bang, literally with the Battle of Meereen. Tyrion does a good show at being worried, Dany does a good show at seeming like she is on heroin.
When you are confronted with a bunch of slave ships hurling (amazingly effective, by the way) incendiary devices at your sky-scaper fantasy pyramid, what you need is a plan. Dany’s plan? Crucify them and turn their cities to ash. Tyrion admirably shows restraint in not pointing out that that is a crap plan, as it is not technically a plan at all but an end goal.
What is the plan to get to the point where you can crucify your enemies and turn their cities to ash? Instead of asking this, Tyrion just tells Dany that he has an alternate plan, which is to ask the slavers to surrender, it turns out. Also a crap plan, actually. But still, at least it is a real plan that will get them to the point where she can get her crucifixions/city burnings on. - Slavers: (idiots) vs Dany and Tyrion(smart characters)
The slavers, who all have a lot of eyeliner on, scoff at Dany and Tyrion’s demand to surrender. Dany raises one of her enormous magical eyebrows, and Drogon is summoned! Who’s the idiot now slavers?!
She climbs awkwardly on board, and off they go bowling over slave guys. As if on cue the other two dragons, finally burst out of their cell, knocking a hole in the side of the pyramid which is totally unnecessary when you think about it seeing as how Tyrion opened the door to their cell in episode ten.
Didn’t he say that dragons were more intelligent than people? I’m thinking that was hyperbole.
Anyway, there is a really kick ass scene that only the most ardent of Dany haters wouldn’t love, but it seems oddly truncated. Of course the battle is a foregone conclusion, but then so is the Battle of the Bastards. But the sight of three dragons burning boats and splitting them asunder is definitely worth the price. Even if I hadn’t downloaded it for free. But then it’s just…over. The battle of Meereen deserves as much attention of the Battle of the Bastards. (And that’s always been the problem with this episode: we all know how it’s going to end up.) - Two bad slavers(idiots) vs Grey Worm and Tyrion(idiots)
OK, then all sense is thrown to the wind. Dany says to kill one of the slavers. An admirable compromise..So—they kill two? Does that make any sense at all? Did Tyrion plan that? Was he just lying, knowing that they would put forward one and then they’d kill the other two? What if one had volunteered? What would Grey Worm have done then? Kill the volunteer Just seems kind of…well, kind of a shitty thing to do. I lost a little respect for Grey Worm then. - Jon Snow(idiot) and Sansa(smart) vs Ramsay(neutral): I agree that Jon Snow, book or show version, would beat Ramsay Bolton in a one-on-one fight. But how does Jon Snow have a reputation as the greatest swordsman alive? That belies everything the show has shown me. Jon Snow has dropped his sword in every fight they’ve given him. (Except this one, FINALLY.) Anyway, how does Jon Snow’s reputation as a great swordsman spread throughout the north? Like, who from Craster’s Keep went down and whispered in Ramsay’s ear?
Shaggydog’s head is remarkably well-preserved considering that Jon and Sansa have presumably spent weeks to months gathering what little support they had. I guess that they had it on ice at Winterfell. - Sansa(idiot) vs Jon Snow(slightly smarter idiot):
Tormund is the idiot in the ensemble scene, though Jon Snow’s strategy is terrible. “Um. We’ll run and then get him to chase us to a defensible place.” Then he abandons it in the end anyway. I mean, this shows horrible judgement. Sansa’s right. She tells him not to do what Ramsay wants, and he does it and he almost gets them all killed. I’m getting ahead of myself, though.
Sansa’s strategy, which seems to be “bitch about Jon’s strategy and hope Littlefinger saves her but don’t tell anybody about Littlefinger”, is even stupider, so no wonder no one takes her seriously. Really it all boils down to pre-battle jitters. They are just blowing off steam in the form of anger-charged expository dialogue. - Tormund(idiot) vs Davos(smart character)
Meanwhile. Davos and Tormund have a cordial discussion about defecation. It’s the kind of pseudo-profound, pseudo-poetic dialogue that Benioff and Weiss specialize in. Tormund is getting dumber by the minute: not only does he not understand what a “pincer movement” means; not only does he not understand that when Davos talks about Stannis’s demons, he is not speaking literally; he also takes Davos’s light hearted jest about shitting literally. “Happy shitting!”
Which leads me to a question: Is Tormund on the autistic spectrum? Davos wanders off and finds Shireen’s little wooden stag.
My feels are left curiously unhit. Ho-hum. Maybe he’ll slay Melly next episode. Or. Well, who cares?
Tormund thought Mance was the man to lead us through the long night!! Finally! - Jon Snow(idiot) vs Melisandre(also stupid)
A short scene between Melly and Jon Snow: summed up thusly:
Jon Snow: Do you have any advice?
Melisandre: Don’t lose. (brilliant!)
Jon Snow: If I die, don’t bring me back.
Melisandre: I will.
Jon Snow: Do not. I command you.
Melisandre: You’re not the boss of me. If I want to resurrect you, I will.
Jon Snow: Don’t.
Melisandre says: well, I can’t. Only the Lord of Light can do it.
Jon Snow: OK. But don’t…you know…cut my hair and sponge me off and stuff.
Melisandre: the Lord is not finished with you. Or Sandor Clegane.
Exasperated, Jon(first Sansa, now this bitch!) throws up his arms and wanders off shaking his head and muttering one word: “Wimmin!” He goes off, presumably to be bullied by Lyanna Mormont. - Dany(idiot); Yara(idiot) vs Tyrion(smarter character)
Meanwhile, back in Meereen another loose end is tied up when Yara and Theon give Dany their ships, making a deal that the Iron Islands will be Yara’s for perpetuity as long as the Ironborn foreswear the three Rs: Raidin’, Reavin, and Rapin’. I guess that Yara will henceforce only ”fuck the tits” off willing lovers, much to her apparent chagrin. Dany points out that both their fathers were killed by usurpers, which is just stupid. Her father was murdered by Jaime, not Robert. Tyrion winces at this historical inaccuracy but holds himself back from the pedantic nitpicking Daenerys so richly deserves.
Tyrion’s like: what if everyone asks for independence? You’re going to be queen of jack! Then Tyrion grants Daenerys permission to grab Yara’s elbow and have her elbow grabbed in return. This signifies a pact, apparently. - Jon(idiot), Rickon(idiot) and Ramsay(smart)
It takes literally less than five minutes for Ramsay to (happily!) shit all over Jon Snow’s plan by loosing Rickon who is too stupid to weave or roll or anything. See, if I was Jon Snow, I would have told Rickon to dive as soon as Ramsay loosed the arrow and start rolling. I am a bit disappointed that Rickon didn’t, like, try to grab Ramsay’s knife or something. Rickon didn’t have a single line the whole season! So, Rickon dies and Jon falls right into Ramsay’s stupid trap. Presumably Sansa hangs back and says “I told you so!” Typical.
The battle is really kick ass. Having Jon Snow trampled was a brilliant move on the part of the director. That works much better than having him drop his sword. Then he literally rises from the dead. He has a little mini-hero journey in this one episode! Director is very proud of that, I’m betting. - The denouncement is cool. Jon gets his beserker rage on. A giant dies. (Great giant action really.) Melisandre refuses to resurrect anybody. She needs money first.
Sansa scared me a little. Book Sansa would never do that, but who cares? She got off on that death. It reminded me of Joffrey or something. And I almost got off watching her get off on it. This show has got me lusting after people who have people eaten by dogs.
And how did she get those dogs to wait for her cue? I don’t think she warged them. But who opened the doors? Let’s face it, that was dumb, even though it did work, viscerally. Which is all that matters.
But Ramsay finally got eaten. And that’s all that counts. - And now the women are in control of Westeros. Sansa has the North. Cersei has the South. Yara has the Iron Isles, well, officially but possession is 9/10s of the law. Dany is on her way. The Sand Snakes have Dorne.
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