Directing/Production: 5/5. Great cinematography. Exciting action. Good sound design. Great lighting and costumes.
Acting: 5/5. Even the Missandei/Grey Worm/Tyrion action was well done.
Writing: 2/5. Terrible dialogue, just terrible. Facile resolutions. But at least we didn’t have Syrio Forel rescue Arya. Thank God. Or gods, whichever side you’re on.
We fans keep devising these complicated storylines to explain what’s going on, and we forget that they’ve just written themselves into a hole more often than not and write themselves out in the simplest way possible.
- Riverrun: . Probaby because the scene took its cue from A Feast for Crows, it was OK. But that line about turning cities to ash…in fact, that whole monologue of Jaime’s was cringeworthy stuff.
Terrible faux-poetic dialogue from the masters of faux-poetry, Benioff and Weiss. They still got it! I bet they had pointy little beards in the nineties.
I guess they might as well kill off Blackfish. He’s got no one to rescue in the prologue of the Winds of Winter, after all. They really screwed up his characterization in the end, in my opinion.
Why did Brienne escape? Couldn’t she have just walked out the door instead of going down the river? Seriously? She’s Jaime’s bud. He’d’ve let her go.
Stupid. I guess they felt like they had to give a river escape to someone.
How the heck does Brienne/Pod send a raven to Sansa in the North when Sansa is pretty much just homeless, traipsing from castle to castle?
And what the heck was the point of Brienne going south in the first place? It’s like they went: Pointless Brienne wandering: we forgot to do that last year, so let’s do it this year.
I guess that whatever happens with Stoneheart is going to happen to her still. Who Stoneheart’s role will go to is anybody’s guess. I guess it’ll be Beric and his Merry Men, and the Hound will be happy to see her hang.
FORESHADOWING, unsubtle as always: JAIME AND BRIENE WILL FIGHT. Put money down on that.
Oathkeeper is also Lightbringer.
More convinced than ever. He says it’s Brienne’s, but after Brienne dies in the fight it will be Jaime’s again. Maybe he will deliver it to Jon Snow as it is half of Ice and therefore technically, well, the Starks and Jon is close enough. - Brothers without Borders: All that thinking everybody did and it turns out that Lem Lemoncloak is just a rogue good-outlaw, which makes him a bad outlaw.
The good outlaws are still commanded by Beric Dondarrion, which definitely puts Lady Stoneheart to rest for good.
How the heck do they know about the Cold Winds Rising? Seriously? No one else in the 7 kingdoms knows about that. Yet this homeless band of outlaws knows it? I guess Thoros of Myr saw it in his fire. Then why haven’t they already gone north? What are they doing? They got zombies to fight in the north!
Jesus, a child could pick holes in this.
On the plus side, we did get a glimpse of the Hound’s penis. Definitey could have done without the weird homophobic jokes. Yuck.
- King’s Landing: Mountain Smash. Wildfyre plan is a go. King’s Landing to blow in t-minus two episodes. I guess The Queen of Thorns made it out in time.
- Braavos: An Actress had to die. I really liked that actress playing the actress. I liked her face. Which reminds me why didn’t A Bitch take her face? What the heck? You don’t just murder somebodyd without taking their face off. NO wonder she had to go. She is terrible at her job.
The director got his Marlon-Brando-at-the-greengrocers Godfather-rip-off shot on as Arya tumbled ddown the steps, conveniently hitting every orange being sold(even though orange trees don’t grow in Braavos, Dany is totally wrong.). Staring Arya as Marlon Brando as the Godfather.
Perhaps that foreshadows Arya going back to Westeros and sticking a knife in her father’s killers, like(Spoilers!) DeNiro in Godfather Part II.
Arya’s bedroom: I like how she put out the light. Get it?She killed her trainer who trained her to fight blind. Who’s got the advantage now, A Bitch?
So, it’s like, she totally used the force to kill her trainer. It’s so..trope subversive! In a way that totally would work a lot better if I was still a 20 year old weed smoker.
A Man has a sword at his heart, so he’s all like:
AMan:
Hey!!! hahaaha!! A girl is no one!! Totally no one!! Congrats!!!Arya’s like:
I ain’t no one! I’m Arya Stark of Winterfell, I’ll have you know. And now I’m going home.A Man, sword at heart:
hahahah! It’s cool! It’s cool! Hey, no problem, Arya Stark, No One, whatever! I can dig!! Let’s not get caught up in technicalities, hey? Whoever you want to be. I’m cool with it. Congratulations! You totally passed the test. Good luck!!
She moves off, A Man heaves a sigh of relief. A Man is actually a Big Wuss.
- Meereen: Tyrion is totally trying to seduce Missandei, trying to get her drunk., telling her racist Scottish jokes, which are not even funny in the real world and definitely even less so in the show. And it’s working. She’s totally into Tyrion. And Grey Worm, not having a penis, feels powerless, poor guy. He smiles at Tyrion’s dumb jokes, but it’s all just playing along. ’ I mean, Missandei deserves some actual penis action. Grey Worm doesn’t like it. It pains him. But he loves her. If having sex with Tyrion , who is after all a possessor of a marvellously mellifluous voice, will make her happy, he will allow it. He can understand. If you can’t beat him join them. Which is what he does, gamely joining in the pre-fuck joke-a-thon. Menage a trois by bottle’s end.
Incidentally, anybody notice that Grey Worm’s English seems to have stalled? He started learning at about Episode 5 in Season 4, if I’m not mistaken. He got to intermediate in like two episodes. then he hit the famed Intermediate Plateau
Lots of ships show up to hurl fireballs at Meereen. All is dark. Then Dany shows up. The angels sing. Will there be a big set-piece battle here too? Or will they save it for next season? Or will it happen off screen because it will cost too much money? Tune in next week.
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