Game of Thrones: What are your predictions for episode 9, The Battle of the Bastards?

At first, I declined to answer this, having read spoilers online elsewhither for the battle. But I will anyway. The spoilers I read might be wrong, so I will predict an “alternative” Battle of the Bastards that is not in line with the spoilers I’ve read. This is somewhat less plausible than what I’ve read.

Let me add right now that Battle of the Bastards is BY FAR the stupidest episode title in Game of Thrones history. I’m not sure what would have been a better title. But you have to admit it sounds like something a stoned redditor would come up with in his dorm-room after a particularly pungent hit off a smelly old bong. Which may, actually, pretty much describe the writing process of Game of Thrones. I bet even GRRM gets in on that action if only for the inevitable pizza that follows. But I digress.

So anyway, here are my predictions.

1. Davos finds Shireens wooden horse, or whatever, in a pile of ashes and human child bones.
2. He confronts Melisandre. She confesses. She says: I thought he was the one to lead us through the long night. Guess I was wrong.
3. Davos draws his knife and she immediately takes off her dress exposing her perky, shapely bosoms so that he can plunge it into her.
4. But Davos can’t do it. He tells her: we’d better win this one because if we don’t, I’m blaming you.
5. She says “The Lord’s Blessing upon you, Ser Davos. I have seen the battle in the flames.” He says: “who wins? She says: uh. i didn’t get that far.”
   ** Cut to commercial.**
6. Ramsay is putting his armor on watching his dogs eat a child. He brings Rickon to him. Rickon growls like a dog. Ramsay laughs and says, don’t think that the dogs won’t eat you, wolf boy. Rickon bares his teeth.
7. Meanwhile, Jon Snow looks at a fire, morose. Sansa tells him that the battle is about to be joined. Jon Snow has a pretty crap monologue wondering ‘why we do it? All these battles? All these Wars? What is the point? What are we tryin to prove?” He drops all his ‘ts’ when speaking, like a good northerner. Sansa puts her hand on Jon’s(again!) and says: “We’re doing it for Rickon. We’re doing it for Winterfell. We’re doing it for…HOME.”
   *Cut to commercial*
8. The armies square off. They form shield walls, insult each other.There are some ribald disgusting jokes—of the finger-in-anus variety we saw last episode.
   
   Jon and Sansa are pitifully outnumbered. It is obvious. Some character nevertheless says: “We are pitifully outnumbered.” Various reaction shots ensue. You see everyone steeling up for the inevitable.
9. In Ramsay’s camp, Ramsay laughs. “They are pitifully outnumbered!” He says. Rickon snarls at him.
10. Ramsay’s army advances.
11. Jon Snow’s eyes get really wide then he gives a girlish squeal, throws down his sword turns tail and RUNS for the Wall! Sansa rides after him.
12. Tormund looks into the camera and says: I thought he was the one to lead us through the Long Night. Guess I was wrong.
13. Davos glares at Melisandre and makes a knife-across-throat movement and shakes his index finger at her in warning. “Don’t mess this up”, is the silent and understood message.
    **cut to commercial**
14. Meanwhile Sansa has caught up with Jon, who is sitting chewing on a blade of grass looking out over the Scottish heath. “I just can’t. I’m nothing but a wet girls blouse.” says he. “Girl’s wet blouse”, she corrects him. “I’ve lost something,” says he. “No, you haven’t. You are Ned Stark’s son. You are Ned Stark’s son. .” She squeezes his hand and puts it on her breast.
    
    “But I’m just a bastard”he says, the tears streaming down his cheeks. She says: “You are my hero. My greatest hero. You are everything I wish I could be.”
    
    He looks up at her and meets her eyes. “Really?” he says, with that fearful vulnerable soft cast in his eyes. “yes.” He stands up and wipes the snot from his nose with a mail-clad sleeve. “Let’s go kill a bastard!” Sansa winks and says “Now you’re talking!”
15. Big battle scene. Blood. Gore. Chanting. Horses running into each other and violating all sorts of animal cruelty laws. Ramsay striding confidently through the thick of battle, not even touched, casually slaying all and sundry like a god. Tormund bitest it. That Mormont girl gets eaten by dogs. The giant kills about a thousand soldiers but he eventually falls to his knees in defeat. Ramsay sticks a sword into him viciously. “The Last of the Giants!!” He roars.
16. Our heroes are hopelessly outnumbered. Littlefinger comes to save a day. He rides up and says: “psych!! You two are traitors to the crown. Attack the Starks, men o’ the Vale!!” His accent, inexplicably, is the broadest Brooklyn accent you can imagine.
17. Davos glares at Melisandre.
18. AT that moment, Rickon whistles from his cage. All of Ramsay’s dogs come up to him. Rickon has a St Francis of Assisi quality going for him. The dogs love him. They lick his hands. He bares his teeth at Ramsay. Ramsay gulps.
19. The dogs attack Ramsay!! And not only that. They are joined by a huge ARMY of wolves, led by Nymeria, Arya’s long lost wolf!! The audience, long since having forgotten about her says: “what’s going on?” Sansa and JOn look at each other. Sansa says: “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Jon nods, dumbstruck. Then they both say simultaneously:” NYMERIA!!Arya’s long lost wolf!!” The Winterfell theme plays with martial drumbeats and blaring horns. It has a triumphant feel where moments before it had been mournful.
20. The battle is won. Sansa personally beheads Littlefinger. She is covered head to toe in blood, like Carrie in Brian DePalma’s movie. She, Rickon and Jon get together and exchange high fives with Ghost and Nymeria jumping up and down. The three of them look up at the moon beginning to rise.
21. They howl like wolves. Cut to credits and the sounds of real wolves howling.

Written June 15